If You Ever Hear His Name, Harden Not Your Arteries I'm such a turd, that I wouldn't sell Elle McPherson's dad a franger I'm such a loser, I'd be one of the few not to bang her. I got a worse job than a sweating TISM roadie-a I'm more fucked than that guy stuck in Cambodia I left my kids in the casino car park And my car in the creche there, too But if I'm such a dickhead, What does that make you? I was checking the seals on the space shuttle.. well.. until it exploded I told Brandon Lee "don't be a fool, the gun's not really loaded" I got ten years for showing a kid the banana in my pyjama I'm such a stiff, I applied for the job of lead singer of Nirvana I think winning a Commonwealth gold medal is a worthwhile thing to do But if I'm such a dickhead, what does that make you? I grew up in a suburb where the tram lines refuse to go I went to a school you ain't likely to know I'm for the old-fashioned doctrine that a prat is still a prat Even when he's got in-line skates and he's wearing a baseball cap So who's the joke really on? It's easy enough to see, That if you're all such dickheads, What does that make me?